The Illusion of Control

How do you handle failure?

Sometimes, despite all of our hard work, success is elusive. Whether it be objectives in business, commitments, or relationships, the inability to reach a goal can be incredibly frustrating. So, what is to be done when you have put forth an exhausting amount of effort, and still cannot find the the job, recognition or partner you desire?

If you genuinely feel like all possible efforts and approaches have been made, then what you do depends on the type of person you are - some people will just give up and some people will "let the universe take over." For the people who simply give up, exhaustion and defeat typically pull them into depression. Often, time will help to downplay those feelings, and hope will once again prompt them to renew their efforts. Those who turn over responsibility for their good fortune to the universe, well, they essentially give up, too. However, they do so without the sense of ultimate defeat felt by people who just give up. They cannot continue to sustain the level of effort they've been putting forth. But, hope is not entirely lost for them. 

So, if we take the latter path, where does it leave us exactly? Well, it doesn't really matter what religious outlook one has at this point. Turning control over some aspect of your life to Jesus, Odin, Vishnu, fate, karma, the universe, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, all amount to the same thing. More than anything, doing so is an acknowledgment that you will remain optimistic, but not actively pursue the goal in question. In theory, this allows forces outside of ourselves to manipulate the situation without our interference. We realize that situation is more than we can handle, and we willing give up the illusion of control over their it. Scary. And liberating. But, is there any validity to it?

My impulse, being a pessimist, curmudgeon and staunch disbeliever in all things lacking scientific credibility, was to scoff at the idea and move on. Which is exactly what I did when first considering this subject for a blog post. However, the longer I mulled over it and the implications of just "letting it happen," the more intriguing the idea became for me. The concept that we mess things up by taking action is as old as time. "Putting your foot in your mouth", "leaving well enough alone", "stepping on your own feet" and "keeping your mouth shut" are just a few sayings in which we acknowledge that sometimes doing nothing is the best course of action. So, maybe there could be something to this idea after all.

The first thing that "letting the universe take over" does for us? It allows us to relax. After weeks, months, or even years of struggling to attain something, we stop struggling. That first breath after a long moment of effort is one of the sweetest ones we take. Relaxation makes us more reflective, more confident, more appealing. It also makes us happier. Psychologist would say that we have detached ourselves from the issue. Buddhists might suggest that we have moved closer to right thinking and have moved away from troublesome expectations. No matter how you look at it, just by stopping for a moment and relinquishing control, we become more attractive, more capable, more vibrant.

What happens when we give up the illusion of control?

The next thing, which is super important, is that we begin to focus on ourselves again. Often, as we pursue these elusive things, we feel that the focus is on us - the things we want, the mate who will satisfy us, the job that will bring us the money and recognition we desire. But look at that again. Things. Mate. Money. Desire. Recognition. None of these things are you. They are all outward things which you desire in order to (attempt to) find happiness. And we get so caught up in chasing them that we confuse these objects and concepts for our own selves. Relinquishing the chase, even for a short time, shifts our focus back to our actual selves. Often, self-improvement and self-love grow during these times of personal freedom.

Finally, we open ourselves up to more possibilities after we stop looking for what we imagine is that exact, perfect thing. Once you've relaxed a bit, re-calibrated your focus and stopped the relentless hunt for the object of your desire, options will pop up which would not have been on the radar previously. For one, people have an innate sense for the level of tension others carry. Those who may have shied away from you before, will be more attracted to you. Plus, feeling less pressure, you will open up and make connections on a broader scale than was even possible in your previous state of being. It becomes immediately easier to talk to people. Talking to people shapes your spirit,/soul/mind/essence and you change, almost always for the better.

Without any actual transference of power or onus to another being, we have altered the variables of our formerly daunting equation. The subtle changes which "letting go" has made are actually moving us into a state of being which provides greater opportunity for success. Do you see it? There is no magic here, no spiritual or supernatural entity interfering with the thread of our lives. We are simply re-centering ourselves, remaking ourselves in some small, but powerful way. The struggle is real. And often, the struggle is counterproductive. Living life is so much better than chasing it. There is a song by the band Uncle Lucius which sums this up nicely, "Slow down, slow down. Be here now." Good advice, but not always easy to follow.

If you have "let the universe take over" and realized success by doing so, then it may have been a revelation to you. In fact, it can be life-changing. The Buddha received the epiphany of the Four Noble Truths as he sat meditating. Meditation is nothing, if not an exercise in releasing control and freeing one's mind of the problems and desires which plague it. Releasing your own "illusion of control" can also lead to greater understanding of things, and greater opportunities. The peace and contentment which comes with such a release, should make you consider why you aren't living you entire life in this state of mind.

Well, why aren't you?